The general tone of the piece needs to be light hearted, even sarcastic, but overall it has to be funny, as this is the reason I like to rant in the first place.
A few ideas on how I might achieve this..
Really cheesy and patronising sounds about right?
Another example would be those retro birthday cards you get with Stepford Wife style women on the front exclaiming how they have "child proofed the house but they still get back in"
by Firebrand
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